Dear Hoyt, Two Words: Anger Management

Dear Hoyt,

My dear friend, Jessica, came over last night and she was in tears. What in the world did you say to her? Nevermind, she told me the jist of it. Listen, I know this really great therapist that could help you with those violent outbursts. Mind you, she only works evening hours and can get a little tetchy at times, but she gets the job done and you could learn a lot from her. Just mention my name when you call her. I’ll attach that information at the bottom of this letter.

Now Hoyt, you know you weren’t completely blameless in this break-up. People saw this coming a year ago. Jess is a baby vampire! Did you think you could guide her in this new life of hers? Did you think you could control her? Change her? Women have made that mistake with men throughout history and it has never, ever worked. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you two should not have moved in together so soon after deciding you wanted to date each other. Now look at you!

I’m going to keep Jessica with me for a while, though I wish she would stop crying. I’m tired of the mess and it really is gross. Meanwhile, make that appointment with that therapist, go have a boys-night-out with Jason, shoot some squirrels, skip stones across the pond, or whatever else you need to do to let off steam. And do some soul-searching along the way. It does a body good!

Oh and Hoyt, calling your ex a monster and packing up her favorite vampire comedy about sparkling, fangless vampires, is really a low blow. Especially for you.

Don’t call us, we’ll call you,

Liz

P.S. Here is that number for you: 1-800-LUV-SUKS